The thing I was least prepared for happened and it completely took the wind out of my sails. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so lost. Feelings of emtiness completely overtook me and it became that same old routine of just trying to get through the day.

Why was it so difficult now? Getting through the day has never been such a chore for me before. Now I am doing my very best to keep from crying at everything that reminds me of the loss I’ve just claimed as my own.

My daily yoga practice was something that brought me a great sense of calm. These feelings of peace, one would think would not be so easily shattered and yet they were. I found myself 11 days out of my daily practice. I felt it in every part of my body. The stiffness finding its way into my body. I was so upset that I honestly don’t think there was a part of me that minded. Just thinking about getting out onto my mat made my inside quiver and the threat of tears begin to pulse in my eyes. 

But I had made up my mind. Today was the day. I would get back out onto my mat. I would take this time for myself and allow myself a few moments of reprieve. The grief would be there after my practice.

My ritual always begins the same. Lighting an incense or a candle. Whichever I happen to have on hand. And this time it was the incense. White Rose in particular. I lit the flame to get it started. I walked over to my mat. Rolled it out. Walked on with the anticipation of the entire world collapsing as soon as I did. But you know what? It didn’t. The world didn’t end. My thoughts of loss didn’t diminish. But as I laid in Balasana, arms behind me, palms facing upward toward the universe, I felt a wave of surrender. The breath I had been denying myself for the past 11 days had finally begun to fill me. I continued through the hour, honoring myself and allowing myself time to just breathe. Breathing in and out with each pose. Grounding poses, affirming my stance in this world. I am here and although things are no longer the way I would like them to be, I will continue to be here. Remaining. Breathing. Making it through, one second, minute, hour and day at a time. 

To any of you dealing with grief or loss, hopefully you can find a few moments of relief. If that is with yoga or some other means. May you find solace.

My heart to yours.

Love — One Yogi

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